Drafts 43 and a Publication

The beginning of an attempt to get to the end of a draft section, with a side of Publication.

A person writing on a book.
Photo from Pexels by Cottonbro

A realization set in, three-ish months flew by with an understanding that my drafts have not budged in either direction.
That sentence has me feeling a certain type of way, but I am not allowing myself to concentrate on it. What I am refocusing on is going through the drafts and publishing them. This is all a very selfish act, done mainly to appease me. In fact, this whole Medium venture is just that, an act to attempt to motivate myself to write often. The original goal was to write something DAILY. Since then, I have edited that goal and am celebrating the times I do write.

The ideas jotted down in haste have floated in during random times throughout the day. Meditation attempts were purposeful and looked like me sitting on the couch with headphones on after the young ones went to bed. Attempts were made to stay awake during the meditation. That RARELY happened since I was exhausted at the end of each day. I would usually find myself waking up in the morning next to my youngest sleeping, Angel-faced child.

Waiting to write once my children went to sleep hardly ended in success.

I would always end up asleep as well. I began switching gears and tried preparing myself and the young ones for a time that I would write during the day. I was prepared to write with a few distractions. I wasn’t prepared for the massive amounts of emotions I had because there were WAY more than just “a few” distractions.

These were the times when NOT WRITING seemed emotionally easier.

The writing that wanted to flow through me did not allow for an “easy route”. I knew this fact from the beginning and still tried to prove otherwise.
I failed at proving that.
Just writing ANYTHING was easy for me. It felt like I, literally, could do it in my sleep. Which was a good thing, because I was consistently falling asleep!

My goal was to write and touch the Soul.

I sat with the idea of sprinkling a touch of healing on what was written and allow it to find those who’ll benefit. I was certified in sending Reiki Healing. I might as well use it to help others.
It was time to get a handle on my emotions and try to get as Zen as possible before moving forward with an unknown number of distractions as my current nemesis.

Was it possible to find balance with home life and writing daily?

Weekly planner notebook with a pencil and black cup.
Image by hojun Kang from Pixabay

There was a point when I let myself believe that it was NOT possible to find a balance between home life and writing daily. Those moments came in spurts and I really had to work towards not allowing myself to believe that was my reality. Getting into a groove and gliding through a chapter had a spark that lit that fire within.
Children ate multiple times a day and I was responsible for feeding them. That was a fact that had me thinking I needed a life schedule. There was also the little mini distractions the flooded in between preparing food. My emotions would not be put to the side. I ended up loosing my cool, POOF, it was gone. My Zen was no where to be seen in those moments.

The result was exasperated sighs, another added draft, and children wondering what was up with mom, AGAIN.

This inevitable cycle HAD to be broken, and I was the unmotivated cycle breaker.
I’m not quite sure when I realized this, but once that realization oozed it, it wasn’t going anywhere.

I had to find my balance and it was SOMEWHERE within me.
There was not an outside source that was going to let me know what to do and how to get there. I know, because I looked for it.
The inevitable conclusion was, the balance was within me and I had a mission to go find it.

Finding my Zen

Ocean sunset with silhouette of a person.
Image by Photo by Anna Tarazevich from Pexels

I began searching for a specific guide to learn meditations from.
It was not going to be just anyone. I had to research and feel into the energy the person was sending out when they were doing meditations.
I wasn’t looking to be told how to meditate because the person “had been there and done that”.
I was looking for a guide to meditate with. To do a sort of side by side journey.
I consider myself a but “bougie” when it comes to Spiritual practices because I, in fact, had “been there and done that”. The lessons learned along the way were many and I would be foolish to ignore them.

Was I setting my expectation too high?

Were there even people out there using the side by side technique that was circulating in my mind?
I had to be very specific in what I was searching for because I know me.
I know me and I will slip right off that meditation bandwagon if I don’t have some sort of accountability.

About a year ago, I was fully dedicated to meditating daily. I even met a few amazing friends in that meditation space. We would go on these meditation journeys that practically created a story line begging to be written. In face the journeys often began with actually creating the meditation music together.
The story lines flooded in.
The only choice was to begin writing them.
Soul filled writing flowed effortlessly during those times.
Then suddenly, the meditation space and the person who was leading it, stopped.
Taking time for self is always the best in certain scenarios, even if the time taken was not fully explained.

My writing flow also stopped at that time.
There was no motivation to meditate daily and I certainly wasn’t aware of any self motivation.
The drafts stayed stagnant and I stood by, practically OK with it.
Deep down, I wasn’t OK with it.
Months went by as I dug from deep within to find that flow.

A good amount of time passed with notebooks and drafts collecting dust.

The children’s school year ended and as summer began again, so did the Meditation Moments!
Friends were joining back together occasionally, and the meditations began happening daily.

The notebooks and draft sections were dusted off and the writing began to flow effortlessly.

Drafts 43

Pen on a notebook with a laptop and cup of coffee.
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

The list of various half written stories, jotted down ideas, or even a few sentences was at a body count of 43.
That told me that I had 43 amazing ideas all ready for the writing and posting part.
The drafts are doing their job WELL and I was preparing for the part in the story line where I am writing DAILY.

These were the life goals that I wanted to be a part of. They were, most definitely, achievable life goals.

The only thing holding me back was myself.

Talk about being your own block.
Seemed like it should be easy to overcome and I began slowly, with baby steps.
I began the Mediation Moment journeys and adapted this sort of “selfish” mindset.
I began meditating at the same time daily. I did not pay attention to who joined and who didn’t. I wrote notes in the comment section for myself and most importantly, I just breathed.
Perhaps my meditation block was simply put there by myself saying that I “needed accountability” and found it within others that meditated at the same time.
This time around, I am paying attention to myself first, and writing what flows out from the Soul next.
Everything else is in 3rd place, including the friends that come in and out of the meditations on occasion.

It is GLORIOUS.

A side of Publication

Person holding picture of a lock in front of face.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This has been waiting in line for its turn for a while now.
Attempting to get myself in a mindset of writing daily and doing The Trilogy justice was a goal that no longer could wait standing in that line.

I was going within and had an end result of digging deep, unlocking that portion of my mind that held myself back and kept the stories within. The stories within seemed to have gained an Energy of their own and it felt like they were unlocking themselves from the inside. The stories were coming out into this world and there was nothing I could do that would stop them, including standing in my own way.
Those stories were not meant for just me and I have always known that.
It seems that I had to create confidence around that fact and write from my Soul, like I was meant to.

It is time.

I had always felt like time would run out on these writing ideas and eventually fade away.
And, they would have! Only if I let them.
The difference is that this time around I am very aware that I am creating my own story line and I was not going to let myself fail. I wasn’t going to let myself fail because this time when I fell down, I was picking myself right back up, shaking myself off and grabbing that pen and notebook (dust and all).

I am currently working on a publication.
A place to write and put the excerpts and write ups from The Trilogy that is flowing out.
The Trilogy that is hoping to be born sometime soon.

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