I Failed Miserably

And I’m OK with it.

Photo by Brett Jordan from Pexels

This article technically should be day number 13 of a writing challenge during National Novel Writing Month. Instead, it is day 1 of a Personal Challenge titled, “Fail, But Do Not Quit”.

I had done it AGAIN.
I started something amazing and did not follow through to completion.
Sometimes I wonder what I would be experiencing right now if I failed, got up, dusted off, and kept going IMMEDIATELY.
A personal trend that I’ve had is adding sparks to the roaring fire that is my writing…and then POOF, I quickly follow it up by ghosting my passion.
I end up getting so far in writing something and then I completely just stop.
I stop writing and leave this wonderful written work of art unfinished, incomplete and hidden away when the only thing each piece of writing wants is to be read.
It does NOTHING for my confidence in getting any writing out into the World and also does nothing for that equal energetic exchange of compensation that Authors deserve.
Yes, I am hinting at the exchange of compensation that is known as money. Authors take on tasks that include creating whole other Worlds when writing.

It is like building a house, except mentally.

A mental carpenter, Building Worlds and So Much More Within Minds.

The choice to move forward brings up questions:
Would I be able to sip that tall glass of success I pour, instead of spilling it?
Would I allow myself to be able to savor the sweet taste of success?

I don’t have an answer to that, YET.
Although I must say, bouts of inspirational times have struck and those times always leave me smiling.

I am sitting here in a daze of wonder.
I am thinking about why I keep standing in my own way.

I do have an understanding that I do not like failing.
For instance, I might not even start a project if I think it could flop.
This creates the scenario of not even beginning something in the first place.
I literally began thinking about giving up on dreams because of that trait.

If I did quit, I would never know how amazing that thing that I never started was.

The title of this writing clearly states that “I Failed Miserably”, and yet, here I am getting back at it 3 months after failing.
At the very least, I am proving to myself that I am not a quitter.
Take this very article you are reading right now.
It took well over a month from start to finish to finally post.
The point is, I posted it.
Insert sigh of relief here.

I wondered to myself, what does FAIL actually mean?
I opened up another tab and typed it into the search bar.

Fail

Definition of fail

intransitive verb

  1. a : to lose strength : weaken, her health was failing

b : to fade or die away until our family line fails

c : to stop functioning normally the patient's heart failed

2. a : to fall short failed in his duty

b : to be or become absent or inadequate the water supply failed

c : to be unsuccessful the marriage failed specifically : to be unsuccessful in achieving a passing grade took the exam and failed

d : to become bankrupt or insolvent banks were failing

Definition 1. b was not what I was searching for and I kept reading until I stopped at definition 2. b.

To become absent or inadequate.

That was it!
That was EXACTLY what I had become, absent AND inadequate. I was absent and not giving time to my passion everyday. Writing is a passion of mine and have BIG PLANS for it.
Not writing will have those big plans stay just that, plans. Resulting in my writing not becoming a reality. Allowing these words to not see the light of day is such a sad scenario for me.
I cannot have that happening this lifetime, no thank you.
I wasn’t taking advantage of all these amazing ideas that flowed through me, it felt like I was just giving them away.
These ideas are like gifts to me that I leave in the packages, don’t unwrap, and eventually give them away.
I write that I give them away because I’ve had an idea or two I wrote down in a notebook and originally planned on posting but never actually followed through. Interestingly enough, I had seen those same ideas I wrote down written and posted by someone else.

“I had that idea MONTHS ago.”

is a phrase I said to myself quite few times before.
As a learning lesson, it serves me right.
I COULD HAVE written, recorded and shared these ideas…but I didn’t.

I Failed Miserably

And, I’m OK with it.

Actually, the only way I am really OK with this is because I started writing AGAIN 3 months after I stopped. I honestly don’t think I would be OK if I continue not writing. I was getting these serious writing withdraws and knew it was a matter of time before I actually sat down to start writing on a daily basis.
Or, at least close to daily writing. I am thinking back to those days I would have only a sentence on a page. That sentence was one sentence more than writing nothing. I consider writing ANYTHING each day a win.

As I read this write up again, I am realizing that I actually didn’t FAIL. I actually didn’t fail because I began writing again. An actual FAIL would be not writing again EVER. So, I decided to give myself a bit of grace and celebrate the fact that I began writing again, even if it was 3 months later.

Fail, but do not quit.

Searching for Self Motivation

This was going to be an uphill battle.
I have always felt like I sold myself short in the self motivation department. No…I KNOW that I have.

I have failed on giving myself that much needed Self Motivation.
I failed myself, but I am not quitting.
In this game of Life, quitting would be the end all.
The Game Over.
Although I may have Failed throughout this lifetime so far, I promise to myself is I WILL NOT QUIT.

One thing I have tried out was finding writing communities and joining them in hopes of finding my self motivation.
Another Fail.
That was a fail simply because SELF MOTIVATION is just that.
Self motivation comes from SELF.
Not from a community.
Not from a social media group.
Not even from the amazing friends one will find along the way.
It comes from SELF.

I dug deep. REAL DEEP.
It seemed like I buried my Self Motivation in the depths of my Being. It was quite a journey of healing and finding myself again, but I did it.

My self motivation was waiting there within me.
Waiting there for ME.
Finding it feels like I am allowing myself to become a little more complete.

Everyone has their own specific Life Journey, finding a way to Self Motivate is a part of mine.

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